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caseyclear's journal
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I think i am having a quarter life crisis. No joke. I feel like I'm stuck in this bubble and I cannot get out. My days drag on, and I'm constantly counting down the minutes. I wake up, and have absolutely NO motivation to get out of bed.. so I reset my alarm for a few minutes longer, and then a few minutes longer..and before you know it.. I'm constantly 5-10 minutes late for work.. because in the early AM I really believe those extra minutes are going to matter in my sleep count. Then I'm constantly looking at the clock..not so patiently waiting for lunch. I cannot remember the last time a "work day" few by. Maybe it's because I struggle for something to do. I could have easily worked part time this summer.. and saved E&S a lot of money (let's guess about 1,400) because about 4 hours of my day are spent with me trying to find somethign to do or dragging out what I'm doing so I won't be sitting here with nothing. So I watch the clock.. and I wait for lunch. Where at least 3 days a week, I nap my entire lunch. I set my alarm for 5 minutes before I have to go back to work and the grab something quick and eat it at my desk. because I would rather sleep than eat. Then I continue to watch the clock.. until my afternoon slump kicks in and I begin to nod off at my desk. I've tried coffee, red bull, diet coke.. and none of it pulls me from it. I just stare at my screen and phase out.. thinking " I can't wait until 5, and I can rush home and nap" Then.. more often than not.. I get a slight energy burst once the clock finally hits 5 and I high tail it out of here. I'm always the last in to work and the first to leave. So I rush home to either nap before I go watch a softball game, or nap before work, or shower before work. If I'm not rushing right to work.. you can find me in my bed.. or on my futon. And I don't even work that much. Maybe 3 days a week. And I never feel like this ... there. Maybe it's because I'm constantly moving..or talking to people .. or I'm not sure. Maybe it's knowing that I'll be going home with almost half of what I make during a week at my day job. I always try to score the early out..but doesn't always work. For instance, the last 3 Thursdays.. all 3 of us have had to close.. and have left at 3. So needless to say I'm pretty much pretty useless at work on Friday. I've been tempted to call and say "i'm not coming in.. " it's not like I'd get anything done anyways. Look at me now.. Passing time by venting in my LJ. And it's not even that I stay out late drinking, or hanging out. I wish I could hang out with my friends more. I'm always making Dan go to bed early because I'm tired. When I'm not working, the latest i go to bed is 1. That's still roughly 6-6.5 hours of sleep (depending on what I set my alarm for). You think my body would adjust. Nope. I tried to get out of the habit of taking naps after work, because it's pretty much a waste of time..but I have to. I have not balanced my checkbook since like ... March... this really bugs me.. and my house is a disaster.. always.. because the time I spend at home, I am sleeping or changing. I havent' gone grocery shopping in over a month and even if I did.. I wouldn't eat the food anyhow. I throw out way more food than I eat. My dishes sit in my sink til they pile so high, and even when I wash them I dont' put them away. My kitties litter doesn't get changed as often as it needs to be.. my entire house.. is just a disaster. I never have the motivation or time to do anything about it. I'd rather sleep. Bills get behind because I'm so lazy I forget about them.. and I am late on all of my Dad's bills. If something doesn't pull through here soon.. I'm going to need to take a vacation. Like a week off.. and do nothing besides get myself reorganized. I haven't had a week off in .. well over a year. I graduated college.. worked, got another job.. worked two jobs.. worked until possibly the last minute before moving to lansing, to begin working again... and then moved home on a friday, began work again that monday.. and here I am. Working. I think its harder to look at my friends.. who have the days off and spend them at the beach.. and then give me crap about needing sleep... or constantly call me "want to go to the beach?" Yes i would LOVE to go to the beach.. Can I bring my office though? which goes back to me having NOTHING really to do. That's the worst. I could benefit both of us, by not wasting their money..and me getting relaxing beach time. Over a month ago.. I about had a break down and just left one friday am. I felt like a huge anxiety attack coming on.. Now I feel like I'm THAT work guy in the Dane Cook skit. Like someone needs to start giving me chocolate. I just am in a huge slump and I need to do some reorganizing and reprioritizing. Each day is harder and harder to get through at work, and I am constantly coming up with reasons NOT to come. I'm worried that if I take a week off, I'll enjoy it too much. Something needs to happen soon... Because I feel a huge break down coming on. :: +Memory :: Share :: 2 replies :: Got something to say? "I'd Lie" "Beautiful Disaster" *It's okay to love someone, and not be in love with them. *Relationships need passion to work. *I do not have to settle for comfortableness. *In fact I do not have to settle for anything less than what I feel I deserve. *I do not always have to be in a relationship. *I will always have a crush on one person or another. Or three. *I cannot handle immaturity. *Some girls from Cheboygan, never change. *Drinking a lot when I have to work in the AM is not a good idea. *Even the very last person you'd expect... can let you down. *My bestest friends : Tracey, Jill, Lyndsey; will ALWAYS be there for me. *I like to flirt with boys that I probably shouldn't. *You can find a good friend, with good advice, in the least expected place. *I do not like to let go of things or of people. *I do not need your help. *I miss my friends from High School.. no not those ones, but Sassin/Scripko/Nick/Jesse/Troy/Tammy/Jon *I shouldn't be with someone, because I'm scared to be alone. *I kind of do like to run. * I love living alone. * Sharon is like a second mom to me. * I will never sacrifice my friendships for a relationship again. * I have a jealous streak. * Andrew Lee Clear, Channce Quinn Dann, Owen Bryce Dann, Jaxon Anthony Dann & Hayden Allen Clear are my favorite boys. * I enjoy good conversation. * I love to stay busy. * If he lied a lot before.. he'll probably lie again. * Clingy is not good. *Global Warming is a real threat. *The real true friends... forgive and always stand by your side. Not just when it's convienient for them. * Do not stay dating a boy because you love being around some of his family. *I find some joy in watching a certain girlfriend of a certain guy get mad when the guy pays more attention to me than her. I'm sure I've learned more.. but I've got work to do.. It's funny how my entries can be so drastically different from one another. I am beginning to see how I easily rush into things, and think I feel things that I think or there or force myself to feel things because I WANT them to be there.. but it the end, it always works itself out and I realize it was all my head. You'd think with doing nothing all day at work that I'd have time to update on livejournal. Nope.. I'd rather look up rare breeds of kitties and all sorts of other random things. Now i'm mostly consumed with trying to find the right gifts for everyone.. it's exciting let me tell you. Let's see.... not exactly enjoying my job (the last project my supervisor gave me was well over 2 weeks ago.. and just now today decided to come talk to me about another one) I feel like I need to actually do something.. So don't worry.. i've only wasted your tax money for the past couple weeks... So needless to say I'm falling back into the arms of Elliott and Sangster, which is pretty damn sweet if you ask me. Now that I know I want to be up there, it's a dream job. Great guys, great staff and room for flexibility and improvement. I'm actually very excited about it. When I'm home, I never want to come back down to Lansing.. and I never thought I'd be saying that. Two of my best friends are up there (Exception of Kay), my family, my boyfriend, HIS family (which is my second family) and... well I'm content. Anyhow, that'll be coming up in like 3 weeks.. so another MOVE... then the house will be full of Clear's again, how we'll survive.. I don't know. Beau is my newest addition to my family. He's an orange kitten and super cute with large brown eyes. He doenst like to cuddle with me though, only Jax.. and he jumps really high in the air like Tigger when he's playing. Actually though, Hayden Allen Clear is the newest addition to my family.. he was born on the 24th of November. Yay! Okay it's time for me to go home, just wanted to say HI and I'll update more in depth and in emotions sometime shortly.. I thought I did. and I thought I was sure. But then life takes unexpected turns.. what's that my sister says.. something about following life on it's unexpected turns because you don't know where you'll end up.. crap.. let me look it up. "I've learned to never let go...and to go with the turns you'd be suprised at what you can learn through different adventures" Okay so I was kinda close. I'm giving up my 8-5, Cheboygan job. I'm giving up my health insurance ,and my no rent and no utilities, my mom, my family, and my best friends. I'm giving up my clients. MY CLIENTS. My office.. I can shut my door and shut out the world. My flexible working..my internet grazing at work. my possibility of partnership at Elliott and Sangster. and I'm giving it up. I'm moving to lansing where I'm paying out the ass for rent (not even actually lansing, williamston actually). I'm paying utilities and i'm driving a half hour to an internship that although is 8.16 more an hour than my job here.. i receive no health benefits. and it's only guaranteed until the end of december. Then what? Something in me told me to take it.. to not pass up the chance to be a Govermental Employee. an Official Employee of the State of Michigan. So that's what I did. I took a chance and I followed my insides. I'm doing something for me. And now I'm on this whole "living one day at a time" kick. Leno is out of my life as a boyfriend, and hardly in it as a friend. We fought way too much. We were that "nothing" fight couple. It just wasn't fun anymore and he just was an ass. completely disrespectful. And then I was thrown thru another loop. I thought all was going well.. but then "doubts" arise. Then what? I feel like I was basically put on hold by someone. "I love you and miss you and let's hang out and kiss and I'll try to sleep with you.. but i don't think i'll be ready to make a committment to you again like before until about the end of winter". He's what i wanted. I wanted it all back. I didn't care about anything else. I wanted that. I guess I still do, but if I'm being put on hold.. if things are going to be "taken slow" I'm just going to go with the flow as well. There is this boy, a very odd random boy.. and he makes me smile. and that's good enough for me right now. I am taking life one day at a time.. and if this boy asks me to do something.. why should I say No, because I'm put on hold? What if I keep saying no, and then it turns out he's never ready. Then what. Then I waste more of my life waiting on him. Not that I don't love him more than anything, and not like our connection and us together isn't like anything else i've ever felt. But what am I supposed to do honestly? Now I feel like I'm the one that wants to take everything slow. This boy is occupying my mind more often that I would have EVER thought he would. Who knows, we could hang out and I find out that I don't really like him. But at least I'm taking the chance to hang out and know. You will never know how things are unless you give them a chance. That's His problem with all of this "I want to know things will be better, I want to know things won't be like before" You don't know unless you try. when he told me he just wasn't sure about us anymore I cried for hours. I cried my eyes out. I didn't understand how you can be so unsure about something that you were always so sure about and that was so obvious. I get it now. I get it now because I feel it now. Life is so unsituated right now. I hate it. But I love it all the same. I move in under a month. Less than a month, and I'll be at my new job. I'm just writing to say.. I'm taking life as it comes, one day at a time. |
